Techno Freak

Soooo...
I am NOT computer savy. Like really not. I have spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to get the pictures and video off my cell phone to my computer. For your information it is impossible. Apparently the software does not match up and despite the three new programs that I downloaded it will NOT work. I am 21 this stuff is suppose to be easy, this is my generation and my technology.
I wonder if I am a freak. The one lone person of my age that does not understand how to use a computer. For goodness sakes my mom is far better with a computer than I am!
It is a shame, I have these wonderful pictures and videos of my friend KC who has now passed to the spirit world and I cannot save them onto my computer. He was such a wonderful, vivacious person and all I have left are dimming memories and silly videos. I lost some of them when my previous phone died but luckily my old friend Caitlin had many of them saved on her phone. I don't want to lose them again or the ability to hear his voice.
All I want is to post a picture of him on this blog. To let the world see how fabulous he was, but I am too dim and therefore unable show you.
KC was a wonderful person and one of my dearest friends. I miss the time we lost, the wonderful life that he would have lead. Maybe later when I stop crying I will be able to tell you about him in better detail. But for now I will be lamenting my terrible computer skills.

Walking Away

There is a sad lesson to be learned while you grow older- growing apart. We grow apart from our toys, childhood dreams, and friends. While it is helpful and necessary for our personal growth it can often be an enormous emotional strain.
When my family moved to Maine I was fifteen with unruly curls and no fashion sense. I was a freshman in high school and I didn't know a soul in the whole state. The first day of school I had a math class where I met a ridiculously short, freckled redhead with the most perfect nose and infectious laughter. Her name was Caitlin and we soon became best friends. That first day of school was her birthday and for the past seven years we have always referred to it as our "anniversary". We have been close no matter the physical difference of our locations and come back together like two pieces of a whole.
I recently moved back to Maine from Asheville, North Carolina. We talked constantly while I was away and we ecstatic over our reunion. I arrived home around midnight to a lovely receiving party of my mother and all of the dogs. The next morning, not twelve hours later I was awoken by Caitlin bringing me a coolata and loads of gossip. It was wonderful but with a slight sour tint. Something had changed.
My best friend from the past seven years was no longer who I needed. A part of me would love to say that she was the one who did all of the changing but that would be a lie. She was who she always would be, fun, wild, and intensely high spirited. I cannot tell you how I myself have changed. I feel the exact same way but our old drives, long chats, and favorite activities hold no desire for me. When I am around her she makes me feel old. Like and elderly aunt or cousin who kindly puts up with your nonsense, patiently waiting for you to grow out of it.
Maybe this is growing up. Maybe this is me walking away, towards my new life. Maybe is all I can say, for tomorrow is a new day and no one can claim it. But it is difficult  to walk away from those glorious teen years, filled with frivolous nonsense that creates the ground you walk on, holds you like gravity to the planet. Growing up is a challenge but walking from someone you love is heartbreaking.

Spider Webs

My dreams are not always clear. I wake up in the morning to sleepy spiders scurrying away. Their webs tear so easily when I try to inspect them. It is a frustrating feeling, like trying to hold something that isn't there. It feels like there is a thick mist between me and all of the wonderful places and things that I did that night. It is so infuriating!
For a few hours every night I get to go to incredible places, see people that are gone or hopefully to come, and do things that I cannot do in this world. Dreams are magical but I definitely do not fully understand them. Why do they happen? Why we do the things that we do? Why do we see and say what we do?

Last night I had an interesting dream. It fluttered around me when I awoke but faded quickly. All day it would come in and leave me little hints, flickers and tastes of the sweet dream that it was. While I was driving home it hit me, my dream came back in beautiful clarity, I was in a shop, somewhat like a head shop where a woman was teaching people how to levitate a ball. It was a small, worn, red ball that I held in the palm of my hand. She told me to concentrate on the ball, picture it in the air, ask it to go up and it would. Amazingly it did! It was hard, I really had to concentrate to make it work. It would hover a few inches above my hand then fall. But I did get it to go about six feet above my head, it would start to fall but if I worked hard enough it would fly gracefully in the air. The feelings and sights were so real that it is hard to see it as only a dream. It was so empowering and frustrating! Once I had spent a good bit of time with the ball the woman asked me if I could make myself levitate. I sat cross-legged on the floor and tried with all of my might. It was so hard that it was almost painful. I could make myself fly up but it took all of my concentration and energy. I was elated in my dream. It felt just like real life, but it was so wonderful!
There are several things that are memorable about this dream. One- I do not remember ever flying in any of my dreams. Two- the astonishing reality of it. Three- the effort that it took to do it. In most of my dreams things happen easily despite the situation. The problem is that they do not always come back so easily.
I am so glad that the mist dissipated and I could clearly see my ticklish dream. I was able to hold it for a moment longer, which really is all that I can ask for.